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False Evidence Appearing Real (FEAR)
Having grown up in functional alcoholism and then married to it, I had spent 42 years frightened and embarrassed — mostly frightened. Al-Anon helped me recognize that FEAR kept showing up because it had been my constant companion, and familiar territory seemed preferable than venturing into the unknown Tundra all by myself.
In Al-Anon, the first learned is that I am NOT all by myself. I never was. Lily Tomlin once said, “We’re all in this alone,” and that was true — until I connected with my Higher Power who had been there all along, who had led me into rooms where I discovered I was not alone. Now I have many friends in recovery and a long list of people who are there for me when I need to reach out for help.
What I have learned in the most recent days of my recovery is this: It is easy when it’s easy; it is hard when it’s hard. Catastrophic Thinking and What-If Projection are quick to find me when a sudden storm hits, and they swoop down to torment me when circumstances look dire. But my Higher Power says, “Run to Me,” and I do! I run! And I hide, and I get real still and focused on entrusting the entire frightening matter into my Higher Power’s care. It never fails: the evidence from my past (EFP) has proven to me that God is truly The One in charge.
My Higher Power is telling me not to be scared — that it’s just an old habit — a liar who tries to whisper lies I need to recognize and capture and put into one of those Mason Jars with a clamp lid. There is unlimited shelf space for the cockroaches I capture and clamp shut. I need to bring the jars to my Higher Power, who gladly adds the jar to the collection.
I have learned to dance the Twelve-Step waltz (one two three, one two three, one two three) every day of my life since I first entered the rooms of recovery in 1989. Since then, I have captured innumerable Liars and clamped them into jars and given them for God to handle. This was CHALLENGING in the last few days, when sickness threatened our family seriously, springing up like a roaring dragon, leering and frightening us terribly. For medicine, I turned to the EFP that I continually gather in my Gratitude List. Immediately, trust began increasing, and I drank of it. Today, I am standing upright, glad to live another day in this broken world, in this mean estate, equipped for the next squall that rolls down the pike.
Evidence from my past is real and indisputable. Therefore, it never fails. It actually causes me to LAUGH in the face of FEAR when it tries to rise against me. I remember my God Sightings; I re-read my Gratitude List; I crawl back under the umbrella of Step Eleven. It seems almost too easy. Real evidence is true — and the true evidence conquers false evidence — handily.
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